Lack of motivation to chase Modeling in LA
Well it has been a long time since I last wrote. I have no excuse of being too busy, rather, I have felt no motivation to write lately. I think I knew in my heart that this transition would not be as easy as I expected.
As of late, my everyday has become pretty mundane with little motivation to chase after anything bigger than myself. Where is this stemming from? The past few years I was so motivated about fitness, health, and going after my dream of becoming a model. Now I have hardly any motivation to stay on track or even go after modeling here in California.
Am I signed with an agency in LA? Am I still modeling?
Short answer is no. To be honest lately all I want to do is eat ice cream and watch Netflix with my cat. I can slowly see the pounds adding on. In fact, I am about 10 pounds heavier than I should be to hit my modeling measurements. Now I find myself thinking, “maybe if I get pregnant, modeling will forever be thrown out the window and I will not have the inner pressure to go after that dream in LA and be rejected repeatedly”.
I have been so disciplined for the past two years diet and exercise-wise that now I think I hit this wall of discouragement and frustration. I just want to let go of the dreams I once had so I no longer have to push myself so hard.
Open Calls in LA for two Modeling agencies
A few weeks ago I made a trip into LA and stopped by some open calls for two modeling agencies. As myself and dozens of other girls lined up with hopes and dreams of becoming a model signed in LA, all I could think to myself was, “I am really okay if this does not happen”. In fact, I felt such a peace I could have really cared less if they turned me away. At first, I thought, “maybe this will happen since I am so at peace and confident right now”. Usually in circumstances I am pretty nervous. This day, I was not nervous at all.
Well as it turned out I was not signed by either agency. They both had very strict height requirements. The age old story of the modeling industry.
Now I feel like I am in a confusing season where I do not know what the next step looks like.
Have you heard of “Desert Seasons” in life?
When I refer to a “desert season” I mean certain times in life where everything seems difficult. It’s interesting because the first thing I think of is Jesus being tempted by the devil in the desert. I am sure during the 40 days Jesus was in the desert fasting, he often felt alone (and hangry). He had to make his own decision whether to obey what he knew was written on his heart by God, or follow the path that the devil was trying to lay out for him. What I think is so neat is after his time in the desert, Jesus walked into his full ministry and destiny. So if this is a desert season for me, I know there is so much hope for the following season to hold purpose and destiny.
Do I keep pressing on? Or do I take this as a sign not to move forward with modeling in LA?
I am continually praying and asking God if this is still the path He wants me to take and just be more persistent. However, to be honest my dreams feel like they have died and I no longer even have the desire to chase anything besides that Halo top in my freezer.
I am sharing this with you because I want you to know I do not have it all figured out. I am a mess. We all are sometimes. I believe and love Jesus. I want you to see my process of this relationship with Him so you will not be discouraged when trials come. Even though things do not look the way I pictured, I know He is still here and I just have to press in more to hear what He is saying. (which I have not been doing lately). Every relationship has rough patches. That is what makes Gods love so wonderful. It is unconditional. No matter how far I turn my back, He will always run to meet me when I finally decide to turn to Him again. You do not have to have it all together all the time. Messes can be turned into beautiful testimonies. “Beauty for Ashes” as they say.